THOUGHTS ABOUT CHILDREN LEAVING HOME

My daughter and family dropped in last night on their way to her in-laws for her sister-in-laws wedding. One more family joins the ranks of empty-nesters. Sure, once our children leave for college, it is actually just the "two of us" the majority of the time. But you still feel they are "yours" until they marry and/or move out totally on their own. That is when you realize you are no longer the sole provider of their needs. In fact, that young man or young woman that "takes them away" will be able to fill their needs to a deeper level than parents ever can. Then you just pray that they and their spouses will always work to keep their relationship as alive and fulfilling as that first day they met, knowing that if they don't they can also hurt and cripple each other to a deeper level than we as parents ever could. I am so thankful the Lord gave us a wonderful son-in-law and daughter-in-law who have the same Christian heritage and values as our children have developed. I am so thankful their parents did such a great job of raising them. God is good!

THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LOSS OF MY MOTHER, ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE, DEATH

In memory of my mother - Juanita Ruth Clouse - "Nita" to many

It was so good to see, hold and play with my grandchildren again. Since they left this morning and I walked by my mother's chair I was reminded how God helped me through my loss of her by giving me a new grandson the month before she passed on and a new granddaughter just a couple weeks after she passed on. New life ... the "final rest" of a life that is over on earth but going on to live in Heaven ... and another new life. Without her these great-grandchildren ... my grandchildren ... would never have been.

Death is only a part of life on earth, and so welcome when you come to a point (as my mother did) where you can no longer do those things you have always loved to do and begin to experience things you never wanted to experience.

One by one over the past year I have seen my mother lose the ability to do those things she always loved to do: be able to remember not only those things of her past but also the last five minutes ( and especially that she had two more great-grandchildren on the way ... Alzheimers Disease robs you of your memory and, thus, your self-esteem since you lose control of your world), be independent and live on her own to come and go as she pleased (living in a nursing home can be so boring to one who still has the zest of life), have a dog, drive a car, travel to visit her loved ones ... especially her grandchildren, give people a "hard time" by teasing them (She had an awesome sense of humor but a "different" way of teasing ... Once you understood her way of teasing you loved her because you knew she loved everyone and never wanted to hurt anyone. She would always say, "You gotta love me the way I am". It was evident she was not about to change! smile), go shopping with her daughter, go out to eat and be able to eat, be able to walk without a cane ( She loved to go for walks but eventually found the cane even to be of little help.

Then she started to experience more and more things that she had prayed she would never go through: falling and not being able to understand why she kept falling, losing the ability to rationalize, concentrate, and understand what is being said, having difficulty following the storyline of even the simplest movie, do crossword puzzles, or remembering how to play her favorite games (like Rummy and Scrabble), losing control of her body functions and, thus, not being able to go to church (This was a crushing blow and the "last straw" I believe; She thrived on the love and hugs of her church family. They even nicknamed her "Nita Hug" for "need a Hug"), facing the fact that pancreatic cancer was a possibility, enduring unending back pain for at least a month ( although Alzheimer's proved to be a blessing in this since she did not remember it from the day before - It was a new discovery each day), not knowing why but feeling safest when she sat in her chair in her room ( This was so out of character for my mother who was very much a "people person"), not having the energy to even get up and walk a few steps to the bathroom ... just wanting to sleep....

It all started about one and one-half years ago ...

My Mother ... as a result of breaking her hip in February 2004 ... was clearly diagnosed with Alzhiemer's (Although you dare not try to tell her that!) and sent to a Nursing Home for rehabilitation and orders that she should never live alone again. The medical panel that met with us on her dismissal from the hospital were shocked that she was still being allowed to drive her car, let alone live by herself. My husband and I were in denial and kept her apartment for 2 months hoping she could one day return to it but in the days that followed our eyes were opened to the truth of what they told us. It was like dealing with a death as I had to give her dog away, sell her car and clean out her apartment. I struggled with guilt the entire year even though I knew that I had no choice in the matter ... that I was doing what was safest and best for her. We would take her to church each Sunday and our church family were so good, understanding and loving to her even to the end. My husband's family took her in as one of their own at family holiday gatherings and touched her heart with their love more that they will ever know. Without the Lord I am sure I would have had an emotional breakdown ... I know I was so close so many times. But He carried me through this year and when the time came I had no idea she was so close to death. Looking back I see the signs were clear but no one told me of their suspicions of the limited time she had left and I blindly pretended all was well even though my husband would gently try to let me know she was going "downhill" and we should tell our children. I kept my children informed of her condition (as much as I was willing to admit it as it was) but I never dreamed that when I visited her that last night (Monday, July 6th, 2005) that I would get a call a couple hours later that they could not get a pulse ... I'll save that story for another entry. This one is long enough. But I still praise my Lord for the "peace that passes all understanding" that He continues to place in my heart knowing that Mom is now able to walk, talk, laugh and enjoy new life with Him!