WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!

Sunshine, Aaron, Adelaide, and Canaan left last night for home after visiting us for a couple days. I cried like a baby and went into complete depression when they left. My honey did all he could to console me but to no avail.

I remember when our children were small and we lived out West .... Our parents were lucky to see us once, or at the most twice, a year. I realize now, even though we would try to send regular pictures, they missed watching our babies growing up. They missed watching me grow into a young adult ... a wife ... a mommy. I understand now that that is why my mom and dad were so possessive. Jim's folks never were and my mom would say it was easier for them because they had other children that lived near them ... other grandchildren to help them through the months "between" seeing us. I never could understand why my mom would cry every time we left ... I was so happy with "My Life" ... my husband, my children ... our adventures ... that I could not even begin to fathom the emptiness of hers ... the pain of separation. I wish she was here so I could tell her I finally understand ... so I could apologize for not trying to do even more to ease the separation ... But it's too late.

I am beginning to realize the full significance of the saying "What comes around, goes around" as it applies to the cycle of life. We start out as babies, totally dependent on others for our needs. And many of us, towards the end of our lives, often return to "babyhood" in the sense of not being able to care for ourselves and be independent ... needing to rely on others for even our basic needs ... not being able to understand "the world" and how things work. Also in the area of parenthood. As a child we are so "connected" with our family ... at least I was. Then we get married and have children of our own and become so absorbed in our new family and the demands and joys of life with them that we become somewhat disconnected from our childhood family which is as it should be, I know, but it is still so difficult on those who are "left behind". Unless we work real hard at it, we can actually "lose contact" with those we love so dearly ... even if they live only a few miles away let alone hours away. My Mom would be so hurt that I wanted to spend time alone with Jim when I was home (after a year of being away) to visit her for 3 or 4 days. I would say, too often, "Mom, the scriptures say that you are to leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife ... to become one". I never understood why she could not be happy for me and my happiness. Now, what went around had come around to me and I am the one standing "on the outside" looking at my children so happy in their new lives with wonderful spouses and awesome babies and feeling "left behind". I realize now that my mom was happy for me, as I am for my own, but she saw her life passing and wanted so much to just share my life with me as I long to continue to share "life" with my children and their families. There is no way to describe or explain the "emptiness" of life without them. And it is sad that, try as they may, they will never fully understand it until they go through the same experience ... having to "let go" of their little ones and watch them grow into young adults with lives of their own. Knowing that the love they are able to build with their grandbabies and maintain with thier children will greatly depend on their children's efforts to make it possible and to nurture it.

I hear grandparents whose children live nearby complain about how their children "take them for granted" and "dump" the grandbabies on them when ever they need a sitter. Pay them? Why? Aren't they doing them a favor letting them enjoy their grandbabies? So hard feelings or hurts can develop as parents start to feel they are really not loved by their children but are only being used to fulfill their children's needs. And yet I find I envy these grandparents so often ... having their grandbabies around ... being able to watch them (and their own children) grow through the stages of life. And then I sit back and realize how truly blessed I am. I miss my children and grandchildren so much but my kids and their spouses really try hard to help us feel loved and appreciated. They try hard to help us see our grandbabies even more than just once or twice a year. I know they talk about us to our grandbabies and keep pictures of us around for them to see. And they try hard to keep our own personal parent-child relationship alive and assure of us of thier love through regular phone calls at least and visits as often as possible. I know, deep down, that they long for and need that contact with us just as much as we do ... They don't do it just to "keep peace" or "make us happy". Yes, I know that. But we parents can get such a "poor me" attitude at times and question our children's love or if they really miss us. It just seems to be a "cycle of life" we all go through.

Finally, as I go through these "roller coaster" emotions, I understand why so many may get divorces later in life. Their lives are so wrapped up and centered around their children and work that they don't take time to nurture their own personal relationship. I am so thankful Jim and I did and continue to do so. We have often told others that love, romance .... marriage is something that you must "work at" to make it last through a lifetime. Sometimes you feel like "giving up" but you just hang in there and stay true and keep trusting and believing that "this too shall pass". The most important thing is to keep communicating and responding to each other ... being honest about all your needs and desires and a non accusing way - admitting that you may be part of the problem and want to be better if so. It is tough at times, but it is so worth it! When our children left home, I can honestly say I didn't go into the deep depression of the "empty nest syndrome" as so many do because I still had Jim ... the one it all began with. Sure I have had, and will have many more, bouts of the "blues" ... like I am trying to put behind me today by writing about it, but my husband understands that that is just the sensitive, totally emotional, loving woman he fell in love with and promised to stick by "till death we do part". He knows me ... I mean really knows me, more than anyone else on this earth because he has worked hard for almost 34 years now to do so. We are still developing "our life together" as it is, once again, JUST THE TWO OF US! We have found new interests, activities, and friends that are helping us to become "US" in a whole new way where we can succeed a little more easily in "letting go" of our children we love so dearly so they can develop their own lives. I don't know where I would be without my husband. That worries me at times when I am down like this too. Even though we have always vowed to "go together", what if he should pass from this earth before me? What would I do? Where would I go? What if I needed help as my mom did? Who would help me through these "missing my loved ones times"? My kids have their own lives ... I never want to be a burden on them. A part of me says I will never have to worry about that cause I am working hard to stay healthy and active. But then I think of my mom and her alzheimers ... She couldn't help it and I just had to "be there" for her. Oh well, it is time to move on with this day. I need to refocus on my Honey, our home, our lives, ...our present. "We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch ... 'fore it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone, and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment ... TODAY".

Seize the day, loved one. Live life to the fullest, love as though there will not be a tomorrow to show that love, enjoy the blessing our wonderful God continues to provide and PRAISE HIS NAME!!!!